Star Wars Talk Show
by Ceu Praca
Summary: Even if the character is dead, they are being brought to life for this brand-new feature of FanFiction: The Star Wars Talk Show! Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious is hosting, and taking calls! Well, he WAS...Obi-Wan Kenobi usurped his authority. XD The author that was enslaved and forced to write this is also taking requests for new episodes.
1. Episode I: Jedi Masters

**Episode I: Two Masters**

_*Palpatine walks out on stage to the accompaniment of the Imperial March, as well as thunderous applause from the many Stormtroopers. All of the Republic personnel are somewhat less enthusiastic in their greeting, and someone even throws a womp rat at him.*_

PALPATINE: Well, hello there, and welcome to the Grand Talk Show of the Star Wars Universe! Or just GTSSW if you wish. I am your host, Palpatine, Emperor of the Galaxy, AKA, Darth Sidious. Today we will be interviewing a most esteemed Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, and his former padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as well as taking calls from various people. Master Jinn?"

QUI-GON: An honor to be here today, especially because it gives me a chance to finally see the Sith Master up close. May I kill you?

PALPATINE: Er…*_looks around nervously, glances at the Jedi's lightsaber, then seems to think of something_* If my apprentice was able to best you in combat, I think I certainly can.

QUI-GON: But he cheated! You're not supposed to use your elbow to hit someone in a lightsaber duel!

PALPATINE: Quite so, but he won all the same. It's not my fault you Jedi are so strung up on that supposed 'honor' that you pathetically believe exists.

OBI-WAN: Excuse me, may I interrupt? You said you were going to be _interviewing_ us today, not trading insults. So interview.

PALPATINE: Ah, ever so hasty. Very well then. Master Jinn, what thoughts were going through your head when my apprentice, Darth Maul, ran you through with his lightsaber?

*_Obi-Wan facepalms as Qui-Gon groans. Most of the Republic personnel start booing the Emperor_*

QUI-GON: Well, my only thought at first was 'ow.'

PALPATINE: Oh, really? How interesting. *_Takes out a notepad and starts scribbling something_*

QUI-GON: Yeah, but then my next thought was 'Obi-Wan, you had better kill this *******.'

*_The crowd gasps_*

PALPATINE: Ah, that was some, er, strong language you just used.

OBI-WAN: *_grinning_* And, of course, I did kill him.

PALPATINE: *_looking triumphant_* But you gave in to the dark side for a brief moment when you did that.

OBI-WAN: I didn't kill him with the dark side, I cut him in half. There's a difference. Besides, it's not considered evil to exterminate termites.

*_A black and red tattooed man jumps up from the crowd_*

DARTH MAUL: Objection! I resent that description!

QUI-GON: Overruled. Sit down before I send Obi-Wan to kill you again.

PALPATINE: Since when did this become a courthouse? *ahem* Let's end the interview and move on to taking calls, eh? But first, a little commercial break.

* * *

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of your shiny, flashy speeder? Bring it on down to the Jawas' Bargain Bin and we'll give you a used one for free! (Reliability not 100%, however)

* * *

OBI-WAN: What kind of commercial was that? Why in the galaxy would anyone trade a perfectly good speeder for a piece of junk that's not likely to even work?

PALPATINE: Picky, picky. Ah, here comes our first call. It is from none other than…er…ah…who is Breaker?

BREAKER: I'm a Mandalorian who was also a soldier in the clone army that YOU built as a set-up to eradicate the Jedi Order.

QUI-GON: You _what_, Palpatine?!

PALPATINE: Don't listen to him. He's obviously quite disgruntled-…

BREAKER: Actually, I was just calling to let you know that I infiltrated Vader's private chamber and stole the plans for your latest weapon of doom. Now the Mandos have it all.

PALPATINE: I'm outraged! Give the plans back! Now! Or I'll kill you with Force-Lightning!

BREAKER: How can you electrocute someone through a phone line? No offense, Palps, but you're a _di'kut_.

PALPATINE: A _what_?

BREAKER: It means idiot. *_click_*

OBI-WAN: *_smirking_* I liked him. What plans were those, exactly?

PALPATINE: Next caller!

R2-D2: Boop dweep brrrb roop!

PALPATINE: Oops, silly me, I dropped the phone and accidentally *ahem* disconnected that call. Let us move on, eh?

DARTH VADER: Master, I resent you. You electrocuted me and tried to kill my son.

OBI-WAN: And we're glad that you have that opinion of him. _Finally_.

PALPATINE: He refused to turn to the dark side, which was why I tried to kill him! A rebellious servant is no use, after all. And the only reason I electrocuted you was because you idiotically got in the way.

VADER: Still, the next time I see you, I wouldn't hesitate to throw you down an air shaft again.

LUKE SKYWALKER: Yeah! Go dad!

PALPATINE: How did you get this number, you little beanpole?

LUKE: Uh, it was displayed all over Coruscant on those flashy billboards when you were advertising your talk show. What, are you going senile? Don't you remember?

PALPATINE: How are two people on this line at one, anyways?

QUI-GON: Well, we have spaceships, bacta, thermal detonators, lightsabers, and all manner of other equipment. I think it's possible to have two people on one phone line.

VADER: Sorry I disappointed you, Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan didn't train me as well as you could have.

OBI-WAN: Hey!

VADER: I don't like you much, my former master.

PALPATINE: Oops, disconnected that line by accident as well. Clumsy me…heh heh heh…

QUI-GON: _Di'kut_.

PALPATINE: Since when are you a Mandalorian?"

QUI-GON: I'm not, but you can learn a lot of interesting words from those guys.

DARTH PLAEUGIS: You murdered me in my sleep, you backstabbing coward! What kind of Sith are you, eh? You're a bloody brainless one! You're supposed to kill your master in a duel, not poison him while he's sleeping!

PALPATINE: You shouldn't have been sleeping. Hahaha.

PLAEUGIS: Bantha-brain. *_click_*

PALPATINE: Is that even an insult? *_looks around angrily_* Okay, the next person to call in had better have a reason other than insulting me!

STORMTROOPER: You were awesome.

PALPATINE: And you get a promotion! Wait, what do you mean 'were?'

STORMTROOPER: Ah…

*_Qui-Gon rolls his eyes as Obi-Wan facepalms again_*

SHMI SKYWALKER: Hello, I'm calling in with a complaint. Why did you seduce my son to the ways of the dark side? He was such a good little boy, and you had to corrupt him!

PALPATINE: No offense to you, ma'am, but I had to further the Sith.

SHMI: Well, I'm not letting you talk to my son ever again, whether he calls himself Anakin or Vader.

VADER: Mooom!

SHMI: Oh, hush. You were certainly glad for me when I was dying in your arms.

PALPATINE: Next caller!

STARKILLER: I hate you.

PALPATINE: Well, you were inventive in your insults of me, weren't you?

STARKILLER: I wasn't talking to you, shriveled old man, I was talking to Vader.

PALPATINE: I'm sorry, but he's not on this line anymore.

STARKILLER: Oh well, then. *_click_*

PALPATINE: *ahem* This should probably conclude this episode of the Grand Talk Show of the Star Wars Universe.

QUI-GON: You should rename this show. The name is too long.

PALPATINE: Well, I gave you an acronym for it, didn't I?

OBI-WAN: The acronym was just as long, moron.

PALPATINE: *_groaning_* I should get a new job…

* * *

Breaker is from a fanfiction of mine, and was totally random. Then again, this whole fanfic is totally random. Palpatine's looking for a new job, which mean there will be no talk show host. Who do you think should replace him? Leave it in your review. Next episode is titled 'Bounty Hunters' and will feature Boba Fett, Dengar, and Bossk. However, I will not always be able to come up with ideas. If you guys have any ideas for future talk show episodes, leave them in your review, or PM me to tell me. So, I am taking requests. :D


	2. Episode II: Bounty Hunters

**Episode II: Bounty Hunters**

*_Emperor Palpatine walks out on stage, then looks around curiously. There are barely any Stormtroopers, unlike the last time, and Obi-Wan Kenobi is sitting in his chair_*

PALPATINE: What are you doing in _my_ chair?!

OBI-WAN: *_shrugging_* The audience called me and said they wanted someone to replace you. The show is also now called the Star Wars Talk Show. Much shorter.

PALPATINE: Outrage! _I_ am the host here!

OBI-WAN: *_grinning_* Not anymore.

PALPATINE: *_draws lightsaber_* I challenge you to a duel!

OBI-WAN: Sure. *_pulls out lightsaber and turns it on_* To the death?

PALPATINE: Yes!

OBI-WAN: Hey, look, a Mandalorian trying to make off with your latest plans!

PALPATINE: *_turning_* Eh, what?

*_He sees a hooded and cloaked man creeping off with a gray cube in his hand_*

PALPATINE: Hey, you! Stop!

*_He chases after the man, who runs out a nearby door. Palpatine follows him offstage_*

OBI-WAN: Now!

*_Two wookiees slam the door shut and lock it. Moments later, the hooded and cloaked figure drops through a hole in the roof, which is also sealed. Person removes his hood to reveal himself to be Boba Fett in all of his armored glory_*

FETT: *_dropping the painted Rubix Cube into Obi-Wan's hand_* You owe me big time, Jedi.

OBI-WAN: Don't worry, you'll be paid. Thanks for getting rid of him.

FETT: My pleasure. You said you were interviewing me today.

OBI-WAN: Yes, you and two others. *_speaks into comlink_* Send out the others, please. No, you don't have to handcuff them. Yes, that will be all, Chewbacca. Thank you.

*_Door hisses open and two people walk in. Door then slams shut behind them_*

OBI-WAN: May I introduce Dengar and Bossk. This is a bounty hunters special, and we are interviewing three of the best. We will also be taking calls later in the show.

DENGAR: *_eyeing Fett nervously_* Why is he here? He's tried to kill me several times!

FETT: If I had tried to kill you, you'd be dead. That time I tied you up in the desert was Jabba's orders. It wasn't my plan. If it had been left up to me, you'd have a bullet in your head by now.

BOSSK: What Jedi interviewing us about?

OBI-WAN: Please, have a seat, all of you.

*_Dengar and Bossk sit down obligingly. Fett just stands there_*

OBI-WAN: Mr. Fett, you can sit down now.

FETT: Not until I receive payment. I'm not suffering this audience of fools for no price.

OBI-WAN: *_sighing_* Of course. Threepio?

*_A tall, golden protocol droid hurries in and quickly tosses a credit chip to Fett, who then points a blaster at his head and shoots a hole through a very vital part of his structure. C3PO drops to the ground in a heap; a team of Jawas come out to retrieve his body_*

FETT: I've been wanting to do that for years.

OBI-WAN: *_glowering_* That droid was built by Anakin Skywalker, you know. He's very important!

FETT: And also annoying. *_sits down slowly, as though expecting the chair to fall apart as some kind of prank_*

OBI-WAN: What do you people usually do when you catch your bounty? I've always wondered that.

BOSSK: I eat them.

OBI-WAN: Er…is that even ethical?

BOSSK: No, but they taste good and I like trophies.

OBI-WAN: Dengar? What do you do?

DENGAR: I imagine that the person is Han Solo so that I can kill them without feeling bad about it.

OBI-WAN: What do you have against Han Solo?

DENGAR: That's my business.

FETT: I usually deliver them to the client exactly how specified, whether dead or alive, whole or in pieces…you get the picture.

BOSSK: Weakling.

FETT: *_Stands up quickly and aims his rifle at the Trandoshan's head_* What did you just call me?!

BOSSK: Weakling. Grandfather. Friend of Jedi.

OBI-WAN: I don't see how that last title is so bad.

FETT: I trained Jaina so that she could kill her twin brother so that I could have my vengeance in a clever way. Not everyone just tramples in and eats everything, you know.

BOSSK: You're still a grandfather. With a wife. And daughter. And granddaughter and grandson-in-law.

FETT: _Ex_-wife. _Dead_ daughter. Granddaughter who hates me. Grandson-in-law who's scared stiff of me. Shut up before I mount you on a wall like the beast you are.

OBI-WAN: I see nothing wrong with having a family. I always wanted one myself, but it's against the Jedi Code.

FETT: Then how come Skywalker has a son?

OBI-WAN: Because he broke the Code.

BOSSK: *_pointing at his own chest proudly_* I ate all of my siblings and killed my father to hang his corpse on the wall.

DENGAR: What'd you do with your mother?

BOSSK: My father ate her before I could.

OBI-WAN: You are barbaric.

FETT: Remind me again why you invited him onto this show?

DENGAR: I'm hungry.

OBI-WAN: Well, we don't have any food here. Sorry.

DENGAR: I also miss Manaroo.

BOSSK: You weakling as well. Also have wife.

DENGAR: She could beat you in a fight any day of the week, lizard.

OBI-WAN: Let's move onto the commercial break, shall we? It's obvious this interview is getting nowhere.

* * *

ANNOUNCER: Wanna buy some death sticks? Elan Sleazebaggano is the man to go to! He can also provide some tips of rethinking your life.

* * *

OBI-WAN: Hey, I know that guy! Oh, our first caller is here. Uh…Master Yoda. Master, why are you calling?

YODA: Why I was not selected to me talk show host, I wish to know.

OBI-WAN: *_groans_* Master, we already discussed this! There was a poll, and too many people decided you would be too painful to listen to.

YODA: To listen to, painful am I?

OBI-WAN: I'm sorry, Master, but the votes won out. We could always do with a bouncer to keep Palpatine out of here, though.

YODA: That job, I will take.

DENGAR: *_nodding sagely_* That little green gremlin should be able to handle anything Palpatine dishes out.

BOSSK: Dishes? Food!

*_Several Ewoks babble in fear_*

FETT: *_aims rifle at Bossk again_* Don't even think about it. I was also paid to keep people from dying on this show.

OBI-WAN: Er, thank you, Mr. Fett. Next caller, please.

GREEDO: *_in Rodianese_* Why am I not on this show? I be a bounty hunter, too!

FETT: *_interrupting Kenobi's half-formed reply_* Because you were obliterated by the first smuggler you encountered. You're not worthy to be on this show.

GREEDO: But I almost had him! Solo cheated!

FETT: Solo _always_ cheats, _di'kut_. If he's managed to evade _me_ for all of these years, what made you think the likes of _you_ could catch him?

OBI-WAN: *_disconnecting Greedo's line_* Next caller!

HAN SOLO: Thanks for not killing my daughter when you had the chance, Fett.

FETT: You're welcome, but it was mainly because I wanted her to kill your son as part of my revenge.

SOLO: Why, you-!

OBI-WAN: No need to get emotional, Han. He _is_ a bounty hunter, after all.

SOLO: Whatever.

JAINA SOLO: I can still beat you, old man.

FETT: Are you talking to me or your father?

JAINA: You.

FETT: I'm over seventy years old, was terminally ill, and was able to beat you without even _activatin_g my lightsaber. You really think so?

JAINA: Never mind. Hey, Obi-Wan?

OBI-WAN: Yes?

JAINA: Thanks for training my Uncle Luke.

OBI-WAN: Um…you're welcome, but it was mostly Yoda's work. Anyway, we're running low on time. This concludes episode two of the Star Wars Talk Show!

DENGAR: I'm still hungry…

BOSSK: I can eat you if you want.

FETT: Shut up, both of you. No one is eating anyone.

OBI-WAN: *_sighing_* Cut the feed! (And someone get these bounty hunters out of here…)

* * *

Yes, Yoda was suggested, but I agreed that he'd be too painful to listen to. My trademark is to always have no more than three guests, so keep that in mind when you review, because I'm still taking suggestions. Next episode: Women of the Empire: With Admiral Daala, Ysanne Isard, and Mara Jade as guests!


	3. Episode III: Women of the Empire

Sorry it's taken so long to publish this!

**Episode III: Women of the Empire**

*_Palpatine walks out on stage, and the audience immediately begins booing him. Obi-Wan sighs and facepalms_*

OBI-WAN KENOBI: What are _you_ doing here? You were evicted! How did you get past Yoda?

EMPEROR PALPATINE: No I was not! You used trickery to get me out! As penalty for that, I will sell you all into slavery! Every last one of you! Man, woman, and child!

OBI-WAN: *_Draws lightsaber and activates it_* You will do nothing of the sort!

BOBA FETT: *_Appears from backstage_* I side with Kenobi on this one. I dislike slavery.

BOSSK: *_Also appearing from backstage_* Bah, you are weak-hearted and cowardly!

FETT: And you are dead. *_Blasterfire_*

PALPATINE: Ugh, so messy. *_Rolleyes_* Bounty hunters.

FETT: I could kill you as well, if you want.

PALPATINE: Er, why don't you postpone that?

OBI-WAN: *_Grinning_* I see no problem with him shooting you.

PALPATINE: That's because you hate me for corrupting your apprentice.

VADER: *_Calling in_* He did not corrupt me!

OBI-WAN: Yes, he did. *_Disconnects line_* How true, Palps. Mister Fett?

FETT: Don't call me that, _Jetii_. And sure. *_More blasterfire_*

OBI-WAN: Thank you very much.

FETT: No problem. You ow me five hundred thousand credits.

OBI-WAN: _WHAT?!_

FETT: It was a top-priority job, and he was one of the most powerful figureheads in the galaxy. I'd say I'm giving you a good deal.

OBI-WAN: *_Grumbling_* Fine, fine, here. *_Hands Fett the credits, who waves and disappears backstage, dragging Bossk and Palpatine's lifeless corpses behind him._* Now, let's move on to the main show. Our guests today are Admiral Natasi Daala, Ysanne Isard, and Mara Jade.

*_All three women walk out on stage, each one glaring suspiciously at Obi-Wan_*

YSANNE ISARD: Why are we here? I was all the way in the Outer Rim doing important work, and you decide to call us here for a…_talk show_?

MARA JADE: Well, if you don't want to be here, feel free to leave.

ISARD: I'm not going anywhere!

ADMIRAL DAALA: A pity. Where did Fett go?

OBI-WAN: Um…I'm not sure, exactly. Why don't you all have a seat?

*_Daala and Mara sit down obligingly. Isard pulls out a blaster and disintegrates her chair._*

ISARD: I'd rather stand, if you don't mind.

OBI-WAN: Looks like you don't have a choice now, anyway.

DAALA: She's just going to be a distraction. Why don't we get rid of her?

MARA: An excellent idea.

OBI-WAN: You three are here for an interview, not a fight.

MARA: Then interview.

OBI-WAN: Admiral Daala, why do you always hire Fett for missions?

DAALA: Isn't it obvious? He's the best.

OBI-WAN: But wouldn't it get kind of…_expensive_ after a while?

DAALA: *_Smirking_* He gives me good deals, because I'm his oldest client.

ISARD: Oh, so _that's_ why you have so many gray hairs. You're old.

DAALA: I do not have gray hair!

MARA: Will you both just shut up? I'd like to get this done and over with so I can get back to Luke and Ben.

ISARD: *_Rolleyes_* Oh, _right_, you're _married_ now. Way to settle down, Emperor's Hand. By the way, how come you aren't at Fett's throat right now for him killing Palpatine?

MARA: I stopped working for him, remember? Besides, I don't see either of _you_ defending the old man.

OBI-WAN: *_Facepalming_* Why does every episode turn into an argument? First it was Qui-Gon and Palpatine, then Fett and Bossk, and now you three!

DAALA: If you don't want arguments, then get Mon Mothma and a few Ewoks in here. We're Imperials; we're made to fight.

MARA: You mean _you_ and _Isard_ are Imps.

ISARD: Weakling.

MARA: Okay, you're dead! *Draws lightsaber and runs the other woman through*

OBI-WAN: *_Groaning_* Great, _another_ body to take care of. Fett? Are you still there?

FETT: *_Walking back onstage_* I'm not your coroner, you know.

OBI-WAN: Yes, but please?

FETT: I require payment for this, Jedi.

OBI-WAN: Yes, you'll be paid.

FETT: You make sure I do. *_Grabs Isard's lifeless corpse and drags her offstage_*

MARA: Can I kill Daala, too?

DAALA: No you may not!

MARA: I wasn't asking _you_.

FETT: *_Coming back onstage_* You'll pay if you kill my best client.

DAALA: *_Grinning_* Why thank you, Boba.

FETT: Shut up.

OBI-WAN: Let's just end this episode for now before another body end up at the morgue, shall we?

MARA: But we didn't get to take any calls!

OBI-WAN: I'm sorry, we will next episode.

* * *

A/N1: The bodies are just piling up, aren't they? Let's see...how many have been killed on this show so far? First there was C-3PO, then Bossk and Palpatine, and now Isard. So that's 4 people dead. A few more may die in the next episode. XD


End file.
